In honor of Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day - a personal story
Rainbow Baby long woven wrap - a wrap created in honor of pregnancy and child loss
We lost our first pregnancy very early. I remember seeing a very faint line and wondering, is that it? Is it true? We were so happy! So excited! I was so sure in the days leading up to the test that it would be positive, and here it was!
With a smile on my face, I changed into my garden clothes and went outside. I can still picture myself, like I’m watching a movie. Wearing my dark blue hooded long sleeve shirt and jeans, my hair pulled back, my dirty white and orange garden gloves (gotta be careful of toxoplasmosis in pregnancy!). One by one, carefully digging and planting garlic bulbs in the fall air. Garlic that would come up in the spring. Quietly marveling at the thought of the baby in my future.
And then, it happened. Something wasn’t right. I went inside, and it was clear we were losing our baby. Nothing more to be done. And I looked in the bathroom trash, the positive now looking clear as day to me, but our baby, as quickly as he or she had made themselves known, was gone.
It’s a strange feeling, knowing you were pregnant and then knowing you no longer are. And there’s nothing to show for it but a faint pink line. Early loss is a strange thing especially for a first baby or a baby you aren’t ready to tell anyone you’re hoping to have. You want to say, this was real. But was it? There’s always sort of a sense of unknowing. I don’t know why exactly, but we didn’t want any intervention with processing or medically confirming the loss. We knew it had happened and that was enough. I didn’t want or need a blank ultrasound to show me that it was over.
When we were pregnant with our son the next cycle, they brought us in for an early scan to be sure everything was alright. Even though it was the earliest possible day to see a heartbeat, there it was! A little tiny flicker. We were amazed to see it there.
There’s always the worry of, what if. I remember they pushed the due date up a few days because they didn’t trust my calculation after the loss, and I was like, well, at least that moves the date of viability up. Then when I switched providers they brought it back to my original date and I thought oh good, now we have a few extra days before anyone talks about induction. (P.s. he was born on his due date!) I couldn’t wait to get to viability. To know that if something happened, perhaps he could be saved. In the end, there was nothing to worry about – but there was also the question, the possibility.
Son of founder carried by his dad/her husband in a LennyGo SSC toddler size
We started babywearing with our perfect little boy right away. It seemed only natural that I hold him in the carrier while I tended my garden or went about the day. Anything to keep him close. To hear his breathing and know he was still with us. To soothe his little heart. And mine. And I love that even now I can scoop him up in our preschool carrier and enjoy those snuggles! It’s a blessing I’m grateful to have and to help you with, too.
We all have our own unique journey. I love the symbolism that rainbows hold for many of you. That’s why I love all of our amazing rainbow patterns. Perfect for whatever journey and whatever style – there's a rainbow for you.
If you'd like to see which of our rainbows captures your heart, tap here to see the Rainbow collection.
Our hearts are with you <3.
All the best,
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